Top 10 Diet Fads of Varying Effectiveness

Can’t be bothered to work out? Don’t have enough time to cook healthy foods? No problem. If you want to shed major pounds quickly, try any of these diet/detox fads. (Disclaimer: As soon as you go off the cleanse and eat normal food, all weight and more will be gained back. Good luck!)

10.) Blue Glasses Diet: If you’re trying to shed pounds for the summer, this may be the diet for you.

Instead of taking off your sunglasses when you get inside, leave ’em on-on the one condition that they are blue. Not only does a blue tint make food look repulsive, inevitably making you less inclined to eat, but the color blue also suppresses the brain’s appetite center, while also blocking red rays of light, which stimulate the brain’s appetite center. If you’ve ever noticed how fast food signs are in warm colors like red, orange, and yellow, this is the reason why. In fact, when Burger King changed its logo to include blue, sales went down. Side effects of the blue glasses diet may include looking ridiculous.

9.) Piercing Diet: If you’re simply unable to resist sweets, ear stapling may be the best procedure for you. A specialist staples a small, stainless steel ring to your inner cartilage, targeting pressure points that release endorphins, reducing stress and thus, reducing emotional eating. This is also known as a placebo. The tongue piercing diet is a bit more straightforward; for two weeks after the piercing you are unable to eat solid foods, and sometimes even swallowing liquid food can hurt. This diet is more commonly known as starvation. Side effects may include paralysis of one side of your face if the piercing technician pierces too close to the vein. Get skinny or die tryin’, right? .

8.) Blood Type Diet: On this diet, your blood type supposedly corresponds to what food you should be eating. For example, Type O’s apparently need less grains, while Type A’s apparently need a fresh vegetarian diet. Nevermind the fact that everyone needs to eat a balanced diet, or that everyone’s bodies would do better with consumption of fresh, organic veggies. Side effects may include cravings, as well as fatigue due to lack of nutrients, or, if you’re “supposed” to eat less meat, your hair will start falling out because of lack of iron.

7.) Chewing Diet: Relatively simple, the chewing diet consists of chewing

each bite of food at least 32 times. Once food is chewed, you must tip your head back and allow it to slide down your throat. If there are any pieces that are too big to slide down your throat, you must pick them out and either throw them away. Side effects may include wanting a new jaw, being blacklisted from dinner parties, rearrangement of your schedule because dinner takes twice as long, and a general feelings of dread towards all meals.

6.) Babyfood Diet: If you’re a working mom with not enough time for your newborn child, not to worry. This is the perfect diet; not only can you sit down and eat with your baby, but you can eat what they eat too. Think of it as a bonding experience. On this diet, you can either eat the canned baby food that can be bought in the supermarket, or make your own purees. No bread, salt, dairy, or sweets allowed–only pureed veggies and fruit, up to 14 times a day. Just know before beginning this diet that your only dining companion will be your baby (jars of babyfood aren’t exactly welcome in four-star restaurants with friends), and that other friend we call a bowel movement won’t be visiting for a very, very long time.

5.) CottonBall Diet: We’ve all sat in the kitchen with a bag of chips, eating and eating but never feeling full. However, next time you’ve got the munchies, head to the bathroom instead of the kitchen. Instead of dipping your hand into the cookie jar, try cotton balls. Low in calories, but high in fiber and super filling. If you’ve really got a sweet tooth, you can dip them in gelatin beforehand to make them a bit tastier (although they’d obviously taste great with or without the added sweetener). You may have digestive problems and suffer headaches, dizziness, and fatigue from a severe lack of nutrients as a result, but what’s all that compared to a rich, flavorful meal of cotton?

4.) Cookie Diet: If you really can’t keep your hand in the cotton ball jar and out of the junk food drawer, there is still hope for you. On this diet, you eat six of Dr. Sanford Siegal’s special cookies per day, with one meal of lean protein and one cup of vegetables in the evening, totaling a grand 800 calories per day. These special cookies are only available to patients at Siegal’s weight loss treatment centers, with a cost of $400 per month.

Why spend an exorbitant amount of money just on cookies from Dr. Siegal when you can just pick up a box of Oreos at the grocery store, you ask? Well, because Dr. Siegal’s cookies have appetite suppressing enzymes in them, of course! Not only does the diet prevent you from getting your required nutritional amounts per day (at least 1,500 calories are recommended, and 5-9 cups of veggies), but you’re also adding unnecessary and unwanted chemicals into your body. Just look at Snooki from Jersey Shore, an obvious success story who has recently spoken to the media about her love of the diet.

3.) TapeWorm Diet: Ever been afraid to kill one of the massive bugs lurking in your bathroom? Well, how about eating one? For this diet, people willingly ingest tapeworm cysts (think of it as an egg–a cute baby tapeworm egg waiting to hatch) that will grow in their intestinal tract. The tapeworm interferes with digestion, enabling the host to eat as much as they want without the calories affecting their weight. After a loss of about 2 pounds per week, the tapeworm is killed with antibiotics as soon as the desired weight is achieved. Sounds pretty simple, right? Except for the fact that the tapeworms can grow up to 25 feet in length and then must be excreted. Also, seeing as they are illegal to buy or sell in the US, you will have to take a flight to Mexico and pay around US$2,000 for the ingestion procedure and purchase of the tapeworm.

Possible side effects may include anemia (as the tapeworm absorbs not just food, but also vitamins), bloating, headaches, weakness, nausea, diarrhea, constipation, and abdominal pain. Oh, and death. If the tapeworm moves through the bloodstream up to the brain or its eggs prevent organs from functioning correctly, the host will die. The best part is that you can when you excrete the tapeworm, it can either be alive, or dead! It’s lived in you, so why not have it live with you as a pet? It probably won’t want to leave you either–they don’t call it a parasite for nothin’.

2.) The Photoshop + Facebook Diet: If all of these diet fads aren’t working for you, and you’re still not seeing the results you like, try this one. Take one photo of yourself per week, and each week edit the photo on Photoshop to make it look like you’ve lost five pounds. Upload the photo to Facebook profile pictures. Encouraging comments will ensue. “Looking great!” “Keep it up!” Follow their advice, and upload a newly edited profile picture each week, until your Facebook profile shows you at your desired weight. Side effects may include not being able to leave the house for fear of your friends actually seeing what you look like, as well as feelings of loneliness, inadequacy, and general anthropophobia.

1.) The Common Sense Diet: On this diet, you eat 5 small meals per day, drink water regularly, and exercise for 20-30 minutes a day. Meals should consist of whole grains, veggies, and lean protein, with sweets once in a while for good measure. Workouts should consist of a balance between cardio and weightlifting. Side effects may include feeling energetic and happy, having a toned physique and healthy cardiovascular system, and being able to maintain your new and improved figure in the future.